My Inspiration

My Inspiration

Tuesday, October 29, 2013

The Good, The Bad, The Ugly

I know you all have questions. So here it is.

Wednesday was a good day. I was mentally prepared for chemo to start on Thursday and we were just going to get on with this.

So, late in the afternoon, the doctor calls and said that they wanted to do a PET scan on Thursday.

And of course, the doctor calls me while i'm at dance with the girls and says, "I hate to give information like this over the phone, but I feel like you need to know."

They had found some shady masses on the CAT scan in the mesentery portion of my abdomen. That's the outer part of your abdomen where your intestines are located.

As hard as all of this has been, I felt like I had accepted this cancer and I was handling it. But it so felt like the last straw. Haven't I endured enough? Isn't this hard enough? 

But apparently it isn't yet. 

I was worried about this development, but Keith reassured me that this was normal and I shouldn't get anxious.

And that's the strangest thing. I went right to the darkest place. I was overwhelmed and I just lost it.

But Keith has been a rock. And keeps telling me that the feelings of peace we have should remain unchanged. The Lord knows. I am in his hands.

And I keep telling myself to hold onto that.

On Thursday, instead of starting chemo, I went in for the PET scan.

I really got up thinking that this was the worst.

On the drive over, the oncologist called to tell me that my nipple biopsy had come back pre-cancerous, rather than cancerous.

I felt relieved and at least felt like I could move forward with the PET scan.

I would tell you more about the PET scan, except that all the tests feel the same. It's another giant room with a machine that makes lots of noises.

They shoot you up with stuff and then they leave you alone for the test.

So Friday, while waiting for the results we go to Costco.

And I'm having deja vu.

The doctor says, "I hate to give information like this over the phone, but I feel like you need to know."

He tells me that the lymph nodes in my abdomen are swollen and are active.

They don't know what that means...there are many possibilities. And we are still waiting to find out.

They didn't want to go in right there because I needed a specialist to be present at my surgery. And he wasn't available until Wednesday.

So, tomorrow, I'm scheduled to have the lymph nodes biopsied.

The Good? My nipple is not cancerous.

The Bad? We are still waiting to find out. We will know a little on Thursday, but mostly we won't know the rest for another week.

The Ugly? How is it possible that I have so much fat on my stomach that I could hide 7 large tumors? I mean, I can squish around my ugly belly and feel in there and I feel nothing but fat.

Seriously. I'd invite you to see for yourself, but there is no way I'm letting you see my belly.

Honestly, in some ways I'm grateful to know what's going on with me. And in some ways I'm grateful that the information is coming one piece at a time.

Because that's all I can handle.

5 comments:

  1. We're with you every step of the way no matter how ugly it gets. I keep a constant prayer for you in my heart, and I have faith that this too shall pass. I just wish it would happen sooner and I wish there was more I could do to help you carry this impossible burden.
    Sending lots of love and happy thoughts your way.

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  2. Continuing to pray for peace & of course, healing! Thanks for giving us this glimpse into your journey - reading it makes me feel closer to you.

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  3. This sucks!! I was talking to a friend and she told me that when she was going through a similar situation she could feel the prayers o those who loved her, I hope u can feel out love and prayers. I wish everyday there was so much more I could do. We love you so much. Lots of sweet little boy's prayers from our house everyday.

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  4. We are here for you..........praying! and more if we get the chance! Much love!

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  5. When Keith was telling me this, I couldn't put things together. Now I know. And I know you'll go through this just fine. We are all here for you.

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