Our Christmas Letter

2014 was not the best year for me, but our family still moved along.  Thanks to many helping hands, our kids continued to grow, make happy memories, and be involved in all the activities they enjoy.

Landon turned 3 in February, started preschool, finally potty trained, learned to dress himself, and somehow is a larger 3 year old than his brother, Garrett was at this age. The only thing he loves more than super heroes, monster trucks and duplos, is he's sister, "Nina".

Alina turned 5 in October, but wishes she was 16.  She has learned to ride her bike with training wheels, loves to go to preschool, and started to swim with the Mini Dolphins this past summer.  She loves American Girls Dolls, singing and dancing when no one is watching, and all art projects.  She continues to be one of the most spicy, busy, talkative little girls you will every meet.

Taryn just turned 7 in November.  Our little social bunny is fully enjoying first grade, the magical year of learning to read. She learned ride her bike without training wheels, and began piano lessons this year. She continues to dance ballet, and swim in the summer with the Dolphins. Her best friend is still her big sister, Kendall.  Few things bring me greater joy than watching those two together.

Kendall turning 8 last January and was baptized a member a The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. What a great day that was for her!  This fall, Kendall was excited to move up to higher level in ballet and is loving every moment, she started piano lessons again, swim team in the summer, She's her mothers best helper and her teachers favorite students, everyone loves the Kendall.

Garrett turned 11 in August and bridged from cub scouts to a full fledged scout, which means over night camp outs. Pure joy for our "little" adventurous boy!  He continues to play baseball and swim in the summer, and started on a basketball league this year. He's playing the violia for the second year, and his third year of playing the paino.  So proud of what a great pre-teen he is turning into.  I genuinly enjoy he's witty, fun loving, caring self.       

I pretty much spent New Years Eve 2014 till July in the hospital, doctors office, or in bed.  And the details of those events are well documented on this blog.
But we made up for it with an amazing trip to Hawaii with friends, and a little getaway to New York.  The best part of the second half of the year, was getting back to our normal crazy busy life.   

I honestly don't know when Keith sleep last year?  We had tons of help from family and friends but we would not have stayed afloat without him. 
The majority of the washing, cleaning, kid carpooling, story reading, shopping, cooking, and general care for the house, and kids,  fell on Keith all of last year. 
Not to mention being our family's only bread winner, a bishop at our church, and caring and worrying over me, the love of his life. 
I do not know how he did it all?   Quite certain, he is glad this chapter of our lives is coming to a close. 

I cannot find the word to thank all those who flew out to help us, ran errors for us, cared for the kids on Sundays for us, gave the kids rides and babysat the kids for us.  Please know your thoughts,  prayers, kind words, and concerns DID  lighten our burden, and helped us through this difficult and learning year.

Here's to a happy, healthy, and productive 2015!

Understanding the Plan

One Sunday evening, my older kids were complaining about how difficult everything was at this time.  As I joined in on the pity party, I realized this was actually a good teaching moment for my kids.  

I had just pulled out some of my old mission scriptures that had my little lamented cut outs of the Plan of Salvation, so we decided to lay it out on my bed. 

We started off talking about our pre earth life with our Heavenly Father, and how much our Heavenly Father loved us, and wanted us to grow and learn, become more like Him. I told the kids that I felt the same way about them.     

 He loved us so much He was willing to provide an earth for us to have experiences, gain a body and develop faith in our Savior, so that we can become more like Him. 
He knew it would be difficult and that some would make the wrong choices but He also knew the tremendous joy that would be ours as we experience and learn from life.

A world was created and each of us passed through the veil, and forget our premortal experiences to come to earth for three main reasons.

The first is to gain a body. What a marvelous and precious gift we have in our bodies.   

We lived in the Pre Earth life as spirit, not able to experience the extreme joy or pains that come with having a physical body.  

This made me realize how blessed am I to have experience most of my life with nearly perfect health.  

So what is Heavenly Fathers expectation for us with this gift he has given each of us?  We are here to learn to tame and control this natural body.     It says in the scripture the we must learn to control our desire and appetites. We do this by fasting, living a health and balanced life, and using this body for good.  I discussed wit my kids the benefits of living within these boundries.    

I explained to the kids that up until now, most of pain or sorrow that I have felt with my body has been of my own doing or the necessary consequence of a choice I have made.   

But this experience was different, this is more of a test to prove my mental willpower over my physical body, and in so doing this I’m learning to submitting to the will of the Lord, which is drawing me closer to Him.   

Understanding this expereince has maked it easier to see this experience as a blessing, not a curse.

The second reason we came to earth was to develop faith.   

Living with Heavenly Father, we never had to question, seek and believe in Him because he was always there.   

So how do we know He is there when most of us cannot touch, hear or see Him while here on earth?  

My answer to my kids was this. 
I know He is there, because I feel a warm, comforting feeling when I pray to Him and ask for he's spirit.  
My mind is enlightened when I hear his words through reading the scriptures, or hearing the words of the prophet teach the gospel truths. 
And I have seen His image, in the faces of those who have tireless served me and my family through this difficult time.   

Through my life experiences, I have developed faith in my Heavenly Father and in his son Jesus Christ, and I hope to grow even closer as I continue to learn, serve and seek after Him.

The third reason we came to earth was to learn to choose between good and evil.  

Sounds simple, even easy, yet life is full of difficult choices.  Unfortunately it seems to be getting even more difficult for the next generation.  Evil is stronger and more easily disguised as good.    

But there is so much good in this world too and will always be if we seek after it.  I know that choosing the right and good in life brings happiness and choosing those things are not of God will bring sorrow, regret, confusion, and even pain.

But understanding how to choose between good and evil is not only about the actions we make or even the good or bad thoughts we may have, but through this experience of the past year, I have also learned it is also a choice of ATTITUDE. 

During my visits to the infusion stations at the cancer center, I often would meet the most positive, and happy people getting ready to put poison in their bodies and become deathly sick.
They had every reason to be grumpy, angry, or even bitter, but the majority were not, they chose happiness.   

One women joked, they can take my blood,
put toxins in my body,
cut me open,
take parts of me out,
burn me with radiation,
and they still can’t kill me,
but not for lack of trying.   

This is only funny because it’s SO true.

So to my children who are complaining because life seems a little hard at the time!

Look up,

believe,

seek the good,

choose to be happy,

and as my father always says,
“Say your Prayers!”

This is all part of His plan.    

My health update and future plans

Sorry it has been so long since I updated the blog, but I have felt so good, its hard to find time to sit down and write.

In August and September, I ended up having two more expansions on my breast, which are never comfortable but the pain passes in a few days.  I'm learning to live with hard boobs.  But I do feel bad for people when they hug me, cause they feel like I have rocks in my chest.    We were planning to have my reconstruction surgery January 9th, but I've been a little sick over the holidays so they postponed my surgery until Febuary 6th.   

I have continued to take Herceptin every three weeks through the port in my chest.   

I have little too no effects from taking Hercetin, except the constant reminder of the risk of heart problems.  So ever six weeks I have to get an echocardiogram.     

Fortunately, for me I have a great ticker, so I’m not too worried about damage to my heart.

I’m going to continue to take Herceptin until March.

In July, I had a needle biopsy on my thyroid that showed the tumors on my thyroid are not cancer. 

Yippy for me! 

Unfortunately, there are three tumors, and one of them is on the back side of my thyroid, which could push up against my esophagus.  Something I have to watch, but not of concern right now. 

The tumors are causing irregularity in my thyroid production so they put me on a steroid, which help my energy level peep up.

My hair is growing back curly and crazy, but at least its growing back.

Each day I am grateful, to be healthy and active in my life and with my family.   It only took a few months laying around in bed and several hospital visits to learn to appreciate good health and great family and friends.

Update

I'm now about 9 weeks out from my mastectomy, and doing well.

They have removed my last two tubes, and finished expanding my chest.  My incisions have healed and  look good.  In all honesty, I still hate looking at the scars across my breasts.  Frankly, it took me two weeks after the surgery before I could make myself look at them.  I guess I was afraid of what I might see.  One thing I can say, is they are perky and hard as rocks.  Half of that is nice and the second half is painful.

I've been a little tired, and little light headed, but I'm doing better everyday. Some of it maybe due to my red blood count being low, which just takes time to build up, overall I'm improving.   So grateful that I have the strength to help the kids and lighten the load a bit for Keith.  

My hair is growing back, slowly but surely.  I have a solid boy haircut right now. Thanks to a few good friends it's no longer gray but a lovely shade of brown.

As I think back over the past few weeks, one of the greatest blessing that have come to our family through this experience, has been the opportunity for me and my kids to get to know my family and friends better.   The kids really enjoyed having my sister-in-law Lanae, my niece, Breea, and my best and oldest friend, Jenny out for these last few weeks of recovery.  And I was really glad they were here to help and allow me to heal completely.

Last week I started back up with the maintenance chemo of herceptin.  It doesn't make me sick and my hair can continue to grow.

Next week I have a needle biopsy on my thyroid to see what's the story is with that little tumor.  Mostly likely it's nothing and can be treated easily.

I go in September to replace the expanders with silicone implants, which will be one of the last steps.

We're doing great and grateful for all the love and support.  

The Big Show

Monday May 19th, the day before my mastectomy, I was so glad to have the opportunity to spend the day with a good friend, talking, laughing and crying about our family, children and life and NOT CANCER, like normal girlfriends do.  
I came home to a clean house, bathed and put to bed the kids, and sat down with Keith to talk about all the things that needed to be done, but will have to wait.
All but one, I needed to have a blessing before this next step.
We called a friend to come over, he and Keith gave me a Priesthood blessing.  I've had a number of Priesthood blessings given to me through this journey, each one has given me comfort and understanding to handle the next challenge I had to face.
But for this next step I needed strength.
I have begun to feel too weak to handle one more thing, almost to the point of stopping, giving up, or even thinking I might not make it.  Reason, science, and Keith would tell me that things will get better.  But it seems like just when I'd start to get better, I'd get hit by one more illness.  So choosing to go in for a major surgery that will leave me weak again, seemed too much for this little girl.
The next morning when Keith and I were waiting in pre-op for the surgeons to make arrangements, I thought of all the painful, dark, long days I had endured, and I found strength in knowing that I can do 6 more weeks.  I had to remind myself, I can do hard things.
Once again, the surgeon, the plastic surgeon, the Anesthesiologist and the nurses all come in to mark up my chest and prepare Keith and I for the surgery.
They were all wonderful and next thing I knew I was out!
The surgery took a little longer than they had expected, it was almost 7 hours, so they didn't finish until after 6:00 p.m. As one of the doctors later told me, "You were up for the Big Show, and came through with flying colors!"  They told Keith that everything went well.  I had a complete mastectomy on the right side, meaning non skin sparing, and no nipple sparing, and a skin and nipple sparing on the left.  They were able to place the expanders and the cadaver skin in and fill them halfways so when I woke up I was surprised that I was not completely flat like I had seen on the internet.  I was probably a A cup, which is not too shabby when you're mentally prepared for a little boys chest.    
After the surgery, the next thing I remember was a nurse's voice telling me that if I opened my eyes I could get more medicine for the pain.  I guess I was complaining of pain while I was coming out of the anesthesia.  Thank heavens for modern pain medicine.  I can see how people could get addicted to that stuff.
That night when Keith came back to check on me, I decided I wanted to try to stand up and go to the restroom.  He and the nurse were helping me stand up, when everything went black.  Keith said my eyes rolled back and I was out.  But after a long night of pain, and little sleep, they had me up to walk around.   I was still in a lot of pain, so I was on really strong medicines that made me sleep a lot.
Also the pain medicine combined with the effects of the anesthesia caused my bowel to completely stop.  So I spent the next few days trying to work that out and get things up and running.
Also before I left the hospital, the nurses had to teach me and mom how to drain and keep the 4 tubes that come out of my body under my arms.  You have to drain the fluid/blood that could build up in the tubes and little plastic grenade at the end.  From what I've been told, care of these obnoxious tubes and grenades will help prevent swelling and infection.  We also have to clean, and dress all the stitches across my chest.
When I came home on Thursday, my mom and Keith had the kids and the house managed quite well.
I spent next few days, drugged, sleepy, and tucked away so that no one could touch me.
My dear mother would come up every night to help me drain my tubes and change my bandages. OUCH!

By my two week post op appointment I was feeling better and my drain had turned clear and were draining less, so the plastic surgeon decided to remove my lower drains on both sides.  I was happy about losing at least 2 of them.
But he also decided to fill my expanders to stretch out my skin. The doctor placed a magnet on the top of my chest until he found and marked the spot on the expanders to infected the fluid.  Then he brought out a huge tube of saline with a long needle.  I immediately looked away, but could feel the pressure in my chest.
Keith, who was at my feet said it was the craziest thing to see how much he put in me and watching my chest rise like a blow up pool toy.   Odd experience!
He injected two  bags in both my boobs until I was so tight and in pain, I thought I was going to pop.  The whole trip home I could feel every bump on my rode.

Now it's 6 days later and most of my pain is relieved.   Not looking forward to doing that one more time, but Keith keeps reminding me it will be over soon and worth it.
 
My scars are healing and I'm beginning to feel human again.  I still get light headed and dizzy, and I have to remind myself not to stretch for or pick up heavy things.
Thankfully my mom was here for two and half weeks, and my sister-in-law and niece are coming out the for next two weeks to help with all the crazy end of the year stuff.  The end is in sight!

I am stronger than cancer...

During one of my past stays in the hospital I went through a change of thought or maybe a better understanding.

I've never really thought of myself as "fighting" cancer.
Maybe because its not really in my nature to be aggressive, violent or angry toward anything.
I don't like conflict.
Ask anyone who has ever been to a violent or even action filled movie with me, I'm a mess because it makes me really uncomfortable and I can't watch.
Also I don't think of myself as being a strong person, who could fight a real battle.

But what I've learned is that when someone is struggling with anything, they fight it on three fronts, physical, spiritual, and mental.

I have a good friend, Jen Roper, who is my age, and has 5 small children that are almost the same ages as mine.  She lost her mother to breast cancer at a young age, and has been fighting off brain cancer for the past two years.  And winning..
She's so strong physically.  She's changed all her eating habits, and runs races every other month.
She's a spiritual giant.  Through all her trials, she has faith and understanding that God loves and has a plan for her and her sweet little family.
But what always amazes me is her mental confidence and determination.  She ends most of her posts with "I AM STRONGER THAN CANCER".  And doggone it, she is.  She just got another clear MRI.
I admire her strength on all fronts, and strive to be courageous like her, even though my battle is nothing in comparison to hers.
Ever need to be inspired read her blog www.theroperfam.blogspot.com

During my last stay in my hospital, I had a moment when this way of thinking all changed.
After six months of sickness, for some reason this one day was the last straw.
I started the day from a dead sleep, throwing up with no relief even with intense IV medicine, the pain and vomiting would not cess.
As the day continued the throwing up was accompanied by diarrhea.  At one point I was in the bathroom with a mess everywhere, I broke down into tears.
One of my favorite nurses at the hospital, Jackie (who is 7 months pregnant with her first baby) stood next to me, trying to help and comfort me, and it hit me.
I HATE CANCER!
If it was a thing or a person, and in the room at that moment, I would use all the strength left in me to beat the crap out of it.
An even though I feel weak physically now, I can and am stronger spiritually and mentally.
I am stronger than cancer and all the other side effects that have come with fighting cancer.

I hate what fighting cancer has detained me from doing, which is caring for my kids, husband, home, family and friends.  
But it has forced me and my family to see things in a new light and appreciate the little things.

A few months ago I was frustrated and complaining about how little I've been able to do to help out with the care and school work of my own children.
A good wise friend, sent me a text to remind me that I've been teaching them more important lessons about life.
I can do hard things.
And doing hard things forces me to grow.

Post op results

The surgery/procedure I had done on Monday, May 5th went well.
Using a little camera they were able to find a spot on my intestines kinda is like a blood blister, that was causing the illius.  So they cut out about an inch of my intestines, stapled it back together and also stitched close the mesentery section of my abdomen around the intestines.
Not much of that makes sense to me but from the pictures and the information we have received this will be the fix to my problems.
Now if I could just heal.
I was released from the hospital last Friday, May 9th.
Honestly I'm just not healing as fast as they had hoped, but my immune system isn't great.
If I'm not on pretty strong pain medicine, I have sharp pain in my side at the incision which makes it hard to get around.
At my post op appointment yesterday, they did a cat scan that showed that everything looks good inside me.  My intestines are a little swollen right below where the staples are, but that's to be expected.  The staples can take 60 days to dissolve but I shouldn't have pain for the that long.
Thankfully my bowls are working fine and my nausea is getting better.
I'm trying to lay low and heal.  Hoping and praying that I can still get my mastectomy next week.  I ready to get on the other side of this process.

Getting to the "Bottom" of it!

Never guess where I am? 

That’s right, Prince William County Hospital!

I’d been home for almost a week, but I was still vomiting at home if I ate solid food.  With the new medicines they gave me, I was able to keep it under control until Saturday evening when I started vomiting and could not make myself stop.  By 2:00 a.m. I knew I needed help to make it stop, but hated to wake up Keith and the kids, and even worse was to ride in an ambulance.  Something had to be done.

Once again, Keith was a trooper. He loaded the kids in car, grabbed my bag, me, my trash can and we were off to the ER in no time at all.

My Uncle John once said that when he and my Aunt Claudette were going through her cancer experience together, they would go to bed wondering if this was going to be the night they end up in the hospital or what would happen next. She had to be hospitalized 9 times. Gratefully she passed way lying right beside him.  There is strength and comfort in having those whom we love near during times of suffering. 

Keith and I have felt this same anxiety and worry every night.  Cancer is difficult for the one who has it, but I truly believe there is an equally great ache and pain to watch the one you love suffer through this awful disease.

In the ER, they were very quick this time to get my port accessed and started me on pain and anti nausea medicine.  Unfortunately, every time I threw up, I also had diarrhea. I was a MESS!

They took a CAT scan that showed a blockage in the same place as always.  They have decided to take a different approach this time.  Dr. Harrison, a surgeon, is going to go into my abdomen laparoscopically with a camera and some tools to look around.  They are hoping to find scar tissue or a blockage in the intestines that they can fix to solve my bowel problems.  We haven’t had much time to think about this but I do feel like this is the right course of action.  We’ve tried everything else and I can’t stay throwing up every other day.  This is no way to live. 

My surgery is today, Monday, May 5 at 3:00 p.m.  We would greatly appreciate your prayers for me and my surgeon during this time.   

Postponed....twice

I was in the hospital until Saturday when they released me even though I wasn't really feeling that great.  But I really wanted to go home to get Easter together for the kids, enjoy a little bit of their spring break, and organize a few thing in my house.
  

I know, it sounds stupid. 

It probable was, but it hard to be away so much when I was thinking about having a mastectomy that next week. 

In the past four months, I've been in this hospital 29 days, that's a month.  I love these people here at the hospital but I was all done being there.

Easter was great!  But I WAY over did working on the house and hiding Easter eggs, so on the evening of Easter Sunday I started to get sick again.  My sweet husband had to listen to me all night, up and down from the bathroom, moaning and groaning my pains. 

He repeatedly asked me, “Do you need to go to the hospital?”

Naively I would respond, “No, it’s going to pass.”
   

Finally at 4:00 am, (less than 48 hours after leaving the hospital) I let him take me back to the hospital.

He must have been ready because within 5 minutes, he had the kids in the car, my bag packed and we were on our way to the hospital.  He dropped me off in the ER then took the kids home and back to bed until he could get them off to school.   He's a good man!

Same drill at the hospital, drug me up to relieve pain and stop the vomiting, then put an NG tube down my nose.  Check my blood to let me know I have low potassium and a low white count.

This time to increase the fun, they filled my stomach and intestines up with barium contrast through the NG tube. Then x rayed me every hours to watch the contract dye go through my body.  For the first 6 hours it stayed in my stomach and didn't go far, then after I got up and walked around a bit, it went the rest of the way through.  This test showed them that I don’t have another blockage but I do still have an illus.    

This is Monday now and I was also doing my preops for my mastectomy the next day. 

Tuesday morning they rolled me down and started to prepare me for surgery.  Unfortunately, they had to cancel my surgery, because my white blood cell count was way too low.  My was 1.6 and the normal is 4 something.  Tears!

They rescheduled for the following Tuesday and readmitted me into the oncology wing of the hospital.

Let's just say Monday through Thursday was not pretty.  But I'll write about that later.

On Thursday, Dr. Moore, my oncologist contacted the makers of Herceptin to discuss my situation.  They explained to him that there is a 2% chance of women who are on long term Herceptin to develop “illus and struggle with low white blood cell counts”.  That’s my luck!  

Therefore, they can not operate on me for another three to four weeks!  Surgery postponed again.

More tears… a lot more tears! 

I understand though the need to postpone.  Your white blood cells are what make you heal particularly your skin.  And anastasiya shows down the bowels and that the last thing I need right now. 

So for now,  no exact date on my surgery but it will probable be the end of May.  And no more herceptin for me until after the surgery then they’ll try smaller doses.

They let me come home from the hospital on Friday, but I've been pretty much in bed the whole time.

Thanks HEAVENS for my mom.  She's an angel!   She here taking care of the kids, the house, and me.  

Thanks you for all for your card, texts, messages, phone calls, thoughts, and prayers.  It's not easy but well make through.  

Here we go again...

The first two weeks of April were really busy with a lot doctor’s appointments, kiddo activities, church stuff and just general get the home back into order, all of which makes for busy time for me arranging babysitting and carpools for the kids.

When we heard that Keith’s Aunt Pat passed away, we both knew he needed to go home for the funeral, which would leave me home with full time charge of kids and home.  I guess I wasn't up for the that much reality of my own life because the next week days didn't go well without Keith.
  

I had my second dose of Herceptin on Thursday while Keith was gone which didn't go as well as the first.  That night I became nausea with the weird after taste in my mouth and diarrhea.  By Saturday afternoon at the baseball field, I hit the wall, between the heat, chasing the kids, and my sickness, I started vomiting at the park, barely made it home in the car with the kids, and lost it on my sofa at home while the kids ran wild. 

Thankfully Garrett feed and got everyone to bed for me.  I love that boy.  He has really stepped up for the family during this time. 

I continued to be sick but was okay to just lie low at home, until Tuesday afternoon (the week before I was supposed to have my surgery) everything went downhill fast.   I started throwing up, and became dizzy, but the thing that took me over the edge was the severe abdominal pains. It’s like pregnancy pains but constant without any break.   It became difficult for me to breathe through the pain, so I started to hyperventilate. Soon between dehydration, low potassium, and hyperventilating, my muscles started to tease up.  My fingers, arms and legs contort and stiffen up until I can’t relax them.  Let’s just say it hurts.

Around seven Keith called 911 for a nice little ride in a chair down my stairs and a quick ride to the hospital for some relief.  This time the x-ray and ct scan showed a blockage in my small intestines.   So another NG tube down my nose and put me on the delicious liquid diet.  

In like a Lion & out like a Lamb

Here's a little catch up on the events of March.

I actually went back into the hospital again at the beginning of March for the same old stuff, abdominal pains, and vomiting that lead to passing out, and muscle stiffness from low potassium and oxygen.

They treat me with the same things every time.

Heavy IV drugs for nausea and pain, then they hook me up with some potassium and magnesium IVs and a heart monitor.  

Next comes the ever so painful NG tube down my nose to remove any and everything from my stomach, and then they put me on a liquid diet for a few days.  

Which you would think, at least I'd lose some weight through this process? Right!    

No, wrong!  Those IVs they pump into me are like Gatorade or I guess I'm hearty girl and like to retain my weight.

Anyways...

For the rest of March I felt good, not great, but good enough that I never found time to set down to blog.

Thanks to a good friend, Lindsey Olsen, Keith and I had a little get away into DC, which we both really need to reconnect and have fun again.

My friend, Denice organized a little birthday lunch with some good friends, which was great to feel normal and be with people that make me laugh.

I had some time to organize, rearrange and clean out the corners of my house.  Not that it helped or lasted long, but it gave me some peace of mind.

Basically was nice to just be the mom again.  I miss being able to be up and helping out with the kids and house.  I really miss being outside working in the my yard and watching my kids play.

Because my breast cancer is Her2 positive, I have to do a maintenance chemo of Herceptin every three weeks for a year.  In the middle of March I did my first one.   I had a little nausea and funny taste in my mouth but nothing compared to the previous doses with the other chemo drugs.

Here's some pictures that my ever so talented little sister Kristal Mulder took while she was out visiting in January.  I'll post more later when I learn how to down load them.  Thanks Kristal!  We love them

Out with a bang!

Had to go out with a bang!

I was nausea the week after chemo but the medicines helped to keep that under control or should I say I wasn't throwing up.  The medicine also made me sleep a lot but that was okay too.

My poor cousin, Sherida didn't have it so easy.  The kids were stuck inside all weekend with cold weather, then Monday, we got hit with a March snowstorm, so not only were the kids inside during the weekend, but for another two snow days.  And make matters more difficult, we are in the middle of finishing our basement, so Sherida couldn't even send them downstairs to get away from them.  Bless her heart! We were sad to see her go home on Thursday.

I don't know if I did too much or just dumb luck, but that night after Sherida left, I started throwing up and couldn't stop.  Friday I went into the cancer center to get hydration, and a little stronger medication for the nausea, but the doctor decided that I also needed to make a little trip to the hospital for an X-ray and observation.

I'm not going to lie, I cried!  The idea of going back to the hospital, tubes up my nose, liquid diet, IVs, and Keith and the kids arranging care for the weekend, just took me to the edge.  

As with everything on this journey, I have to learn to let go.

So I spent the weekend in the hospital letting my ilious heal, which is a fancy term for my intestines.  The good news is that I didn't have to have a tube put down my nose because I hadn't eaten in 24 hours and I healed quickly.

Sunday they released me to come home.  I'm still a little nausea, and my stomach/intestines are far from working properly but I'll survive.  The doctor said it takes three weeks to get the majority of the chemo out of your system so I'm half way there.    

My mastectomy is scheduled for April 22nd.  It's a great time for us because it gives me 7 weeks after chemo to recover, it's the day after my kids go back to school after spring break, and 7 weeks for me to recover after the surgery before the kids are out of school for summer.

Charity is more than just doing, it's caring.

I have already post how much I love and appreciate EMTs

I love my doctors!  I am confident they are the doctors for me.  I have complete trust and appreciation for the sacrifices they make to be educated and knowledgeable about my personal case.

But the majority of my aid through this journey has comes from the nurses, whether at the doctors appointment, chemo treatment, or in the hospital.  They are the smiling angels running about non stop attend to our needs. I know its just a profession, but most nurses make it much more.   Most nurses are always happy, honestly concerns about you, and wanting to help you find relief.

One such nurse that has particular stood out to me, is my chemo nurse, Kathy.  From the first day of treatment, when I came in scared to death, she called me "Honey" and gave me a big long hug to calm me down and reassure me everything is going to be okay.  She asked me about all me children and family.  But what makes her so different to me is she remembers from treatment to treatment the details of my life and truly cares three weeks later how I'm doing and what's new with my kids.  As a nurse, she doesn't have to do that.  As I sit her watch her run from beeping IV stand to IV stand, helping each patient, she shows that same concern and personal care to each and every person.

Through watching her I have come to a broader understanding of charity.  I'm really good about running about serving others, a little bit because its ingrained into by my church  and a little bit for self gratification of serving others.  Sad, but true!  Bring meals, cleaning a house, giving a ride, watching kids, or any other serve project you throw at me, it no problem.

But Kathy has showed me that charity is much more.  She runs around busily doing for each of us, but will stop at any moment to talk to a patient, to give a hug and tell them she loves them and hear their story. Charity is more than an act of kindness.  It's a personal investment of caring, knowing and wanting the best for that person, who ever they are family or stranger.  I need to start by practising this with my own family and kids.

My second favorite thing about Kathy is she's not afraid to talk about God.  Many of the patients often talk about the churches and ministries sermons.  Kathy joins right in to testify of her faith in the Savior.

At one of my treatments, Kathy was telling about taking her young grandson that she took to mass at Holy Trinity.  I guess on the way up to take the sacrament, her grandson did something silly, and her first thought was to correct him. But then she had to laugh and take in the moment.  I remember thinking, Kathy knows that she was in the right place, doing the right thing, with the right little person.

Four weeks ago, at my second to the oldest child and oldest daughters baptism, my four year, Alina was having a hard time being quiet and holding still.  Four kids were baptized and then we all came back to the chapel to give them a blessing and confirm the Holy Ghost.  Half way through the first boys blessing, Alina really started to lose it.  So my dear friend, Rachel told her, "Alina you just have to hold still until Kendall gets the Holy Ghost."

Alina immediately stands up and turn around to look over the congregation.  Then she yells out, "I don't see the Holy Ghost.  Where is he?  How is Kendall going to get him?  Can you see him?  What color is he?"  And on and on she went, non stop talking in her loud high voice.

During Kendall's blessing she came over to ask me all the same question.  I tried to whisper back answers, but they were not sufficient for her curiousity.

Finally after wrestling my two, almost three year old on one knee and Alina the chatter box on the other knee, I had, had it.  I scoobed up those two and marched them out of the chapel and back to the kitchen for a snack and a time out for all three of us.  I pulled my wig off and threw my head in the refrigerator to cool off.  (One of four times I wear my wig, and I feel like I'm going through menopause.)

Once again my sweet friend, Rachel came to my rescue and watched the two so I could go back in and enjoy the rest of the service.  As I sat in the back looking around at dear friends that have become family, and listen to the gospel of Jesus Christ being taught to me, my family, and close friends.  I thought about Kathy's story.  I'm in the right place, doing the right thing, with the right people.  We are not perfect.  Far from it.  But we are on the right path to find happiness and joy in this life and the next.  Surrounding myself with people like Kathy, I know help me along the way.  She is a true blessing in my life, and not just because she's my nurse, she so much more.

Sidenote about Alina
The next morning after the baptism, it happened that it was just her and I around the table in the wee hours.  As we started to enjoy our bowl of pink shredded wheat.
Alina, who as Keith says is always suspended in conversation from night to the next day, chimes in, "Mom did you get the Holy Ghost when you were baptized?"

Trying to keep in conversation short and quiet due to morning exhaustion, I respond, "Yes"

Alina quickly asks back, "What did it feel like?"

Me, "It's a good feeling inside your body."

Silence while we both eat a little cereal, then Alina asks, "So is my cereal the Holy Ghost, because it makes me feel good inside?"

Sigh!  Okay you can do better mom.

Me, "Alina the Holy Ghost is the spirit without a body, that Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ send to each of us when we ask for it or are in need.  We also feel the Holy Ghost when we make good choices and help others. It a conformation that you are loved by them and they are aware of your needs."

Silence and more cereal eaten....

Alina, "So the Holy Ghost is God!"

Me, "Right,"
End of this long, and important conversation.
I love my spicy Alina! 

Best Friends Through the Years

Last night, as I struggled to get my mind off the last chemo, I sat down on my bed with five totes of laundry and started watching a movie called "Big Fish" at 10:00 p.m.  At first I thought it was the cheesiest movie, but then it hooked me, and I had to finish.

Keith came in to bed at 12:00 to find me crying like a baby.  I cry a lot lately.  I turning into a big boob! (Get it a "BIG boob!" Or at least a medium size boob.)

Then over the next two hours, I layed in bed thinking about this movie and my life. This movie was about a man, who hyperbolized stories of meeting and making friends in his life. As his death, his son realized that his father really did live a great life with amazing friends.   But the point I took was that as he befriended and helped someone through his life, they helped him back in the end. Friends come and go, but they stay friends forever.   Between this movie and a note I received from a old friends has made me start thinking about my life.

I was blessed to grow up in a small town in Norther Arizona, Joseph City.  As I think back on teachers, friends, neighbors, my parents, and sisters, I couldn't have asked for a better environment to learn, enjoy and grow into an adult.
One my greatest influences, in my youth was my best friend, Jenny Burt (Collins).  Jenny is my oldest and most consistent friend of my life. As I remember, Jenny and I were in the same classroom all through grade school and most of our High school classes were the same.
Then after high school, we went our separate ways, she met and married a great guy and started a family and I jumped from school to mission to school to being a working single girl.  In the beginning we'd talk and get together a couple times a year but then life gets busy and we'd only get to meet for dinner once a year.
But thats okay! I never felt any less close, or loved, or understood no matter how much time had past.  We're friends that carry for on another. Our lives could not been any more different, when I was getting married at the age of 31, Jenny was having her 9th and last baby.  Time and distance still has not changed our friendship.  How blessed with friendship.

I also thought of best friends that I have made and needed through my life experiences.
Childhood friends that helped me get into a little trouble, take long drives, cruise the streets of Holbrook (which I don't know why) and long talks and happy memories.

During my college, mission and single working girl years, I made amazing friends to travel with, go to dinner, cry over boyfriend break ups and giggle over new crushes.  Dinner and movies, long talks, shopping, serving together, and working together.  Thank heavens for facebook, cell phones, and texting to reconnects.  Few things bring me greater joy then to see an old friends, children on saying or doing great things.  Its a small way to stay connected and caring for one and other.

And now that I'm a mother/wife living far away from family, I have made friends that helped me laugh and make a good joke about the long crazy days of motherhood.  We have friends who have become family because ours is too far away.  The unconditional support through this trial has even made me more grateful for friends.  Friends that drop everything and change daily plans to come watch my children, give me a ride to appointment, even when the appointment ends up in emergency room trip late into the night.  (Sorry Tina and Kristal)  Friends that say its no problem to take 5 extra kids to all their activities and church functions, when by definition any more children under age 10, is a problem.  Thanks you!

I have been blessed with fantastic friends old and new...near and far.  They have molded and improved my life for the best.  I hope in some way I have helped them along the way.

I'm particular excited about my cousin Sherida coming tonight to help with this last chemo.  There was about 4 years that I spent everyday with Sherida, my Aunt Claudette, and Stephanie. I'm pretty sure I was the 8 child, they never wanted.   I miss laughing around Uncle John and Aunt Claudette's kitchen table, discussing politics, funny events of the day, teasing one another, and discussing gospel topics.  My heart hurts missing Claudette and Stephanie, with reassurance that we will be together again one day.  

Choices, choices....

Keith and I met with the plastic surgeon this week to discuss breast reconstruction options after the mastectomy.

There were a lot of options, but they boil down to two choices...

Tissue flap procedures or implant procedures

Tissue flap procedures use your own fat tissue, muscle, and skin from your stomach, or back to recreate the breast.
Sounds appealing because you get a tummy tuck and new breast all in one.
However, it's a 8-10 hours operation, and 3-6 month recovery.  Also a lifetime of weak stomach or back muscles due to the surgery.
All scary and not really available to me, right now in my life.

Implant procedures starts with tissue expanders and the use of fake skin (cadaver skin) to stretch the skin out into the desired shape/size of the breast.  
Also you have these horrible drain tubes that everyone says is a pain.
It about a 2 hour surgery and 3-6 weeks recovery with the expanders and drain tubes.  Then a small procedure to replace the expanders with silicone implants and a week or so recovery.

The doctor explained to us the advances in silicone technology, particularly over the past five years.  If punchered, they don't leak and cause the problems of the past.

We both feel like we received good information and feel pretty good about the doctor, now we have to make some decisions. Which I feel is most likely silicone implants.

For me, the low point of this appointment came when the doctor was examining my stomach and back to see if I was a candidate for tissue flap procedure, he said, "You have plenty of extra fat and skin on your stomach to replace both breast."

What!  This after I've lost 25 pound during chemotherapy!  

The Bloodletting Room Conversation

Friday we met with the oncologist to make sure my blood count is up.

As I was waiting in the room I affectionately call "the bloodletting room", for my blood to be drawn, a woman across from me said, "You make bald look beautiful!"

I rubbed my head remembering that I was bald, and said, "Oh thank you.  You get usta it."

She then told me that she was on her second round and her hair was starting to fall out.  So then she asked, "How did you cut it off? Did you go to a salon?"

I told her my son did it with clippers at home, and that I've had to trim it down twice since then because part of my hair has continue to grow, but it's sparse.

Her husband, who was obviously a military man, laughed and asked, "So I need to cut her hair, the same way she's cut mine for years?"

Yep, pretty much. High and tight!

Oh, and my blood count is UP, or at least up enough for a chemo patient.  I'm feeling much better everyday.   I not 100%, but I better than I've been in the past 6 weeks, so no complaints.

All is Well

Last Thursday, when I took the lower dose of chemo, I had two goals in mind.

Don't throw up and stay out of the hospital!

I have big goals, I know?

So I started the anti-nausea medicine immediately after my treatment, hydrated, and went straight to bed. 

Friday through Monday I had all the normal symptoms.  I was constantly nausea, tired, body aches, my eyes twitch and are light sensitive, heat flashes and night sweats.  

But I've started feeling a little better everyday, and I can see the light at the end.  

I've successful  had a week of no throwing up and no hospital visits that were not planned.

I did have a procedure done on Monday afternoon at Dr. William office in the hospital.   

Once again he ultrasound my breast, without finding the tumor.  Happy feeling!  

But he wanted to put a marker where the tumor was so that when they do the mastectomy and take out all the tissue they know what section had the tumor.  Then the pathologist can really check that area for cancer.  

So he numbed me up, and shot big medal needle/prob thing in where the tumor was, then released a marker in my breast.  A little painful but not that bad.  

So all is well.  

I'm doing well.  

Kids are loving having Grandma Hatch here for Valentines.  

Grandma is awesome and on top of every.  

Landon's over his ear infection.   

Keith is busy and helpful as usual.  

And of course we are going to have another stinking snow day on Thursday, because we have a snow day every time I do chemo.  

Can not wait for SPRING to come! 

  

Two things that drive me nuts..

I hate to complain, because I know there are others that suffer greater that I do. And I know there are other side effects I could be having, but I am not, like mouth sores.
But that being said, there are two things that are kinda driving me nuts.

First is called chemo brain or mental fogginess.

When I heard about this in chemo class, before starting chemo, I thought it sounded ridiculous. Boy was I wrong!

Its like pregnancy or mom brain times 10.

I have difficulty concentrating or staying focused on a task. Trouble remembering words, names, dates.  No ability to multi-task even function sometimes.

Thus the reason if any of these posts don't make sense, it's because I forgot to ask my friend Denise or my sister Paula fix all my grammatical and spelling errors before posting my craziness to the world.

A few days ago, I was doing the laundry to find I had once again ran the washing machine without putting clothes in it.
Stood there and laughed, and thought "Next year this is time I'll be back to normal , with a somewhat healthy body that has energy, and an average functioning brain."
I'm realistic, I wasn't that great before this process started.  But this body and this brain is driving me crazy.

Second is the neuropathy in my hands and feet.

They are constantly cold, numb, tingling, and burning, which causes pain. I also have the tendency to drop things.

At nights, I rub my feet and hands together to try and get feeling back.  I also find myself scratching the pads of my fingers on my knee, just like my Grandma Lena did when she was 90 sitting in her recliner.  She probable had the same problem, or it was a nervous twist.

Speaking of Grandma Hatch, last week while my dad was here, I was laying on the sofa and he was sitting across from me and he said to me, "Baby, you know who you look like?"
Me, before dad can respond,  "Grandpa Vern"
My dad laughed and said, "Yes"
I told him I think that every time I look at myself in the mirror.  My pointy nose, short gray buzz cut hair, and pale face, I look just like him.
So for those of you who knew Grandpa Vern, you now have a visual of what I look like going through chemo.
You would think I would be upset by this fact, but I'm not.  I'm actually
quite proud to look like a Hatch.

I don't know if you'd call Grandpa Vern handsome but he was a great man.  One of my favorite from my childhood.