That I Might Not Shrink.

These past few days I have felt a nervous and a little fearful - doubting my strengthen to handle all the sickness.  I was maybe even a little bitter that we have to be going through all of this right now.  We have a busy life -we have small kids with a lot of needs, we're away from family,  it's the winter funk, there's seasonal sicknesses and we have a general desire to be doing anything else but this.  

 Then I thought about an CES article that my father sent me by Elder David Bednar, called "That we might not shrink..."   His bishop had given it to him and it had really helped him better accept and understand why I have to go through this trial. 

Last night as I reread this article and it gave me peace and understanding.  Now I hope for faith and strength as the outcome of round 4 of my chemotherapy unfolds over the next week or so.  The following are some quotes from this article that helped me.  

Earlier in that same year, Elder Maxwell underwent 46 days and nights of debilitating chemotherapy for leukemia. Shortly after completing his treatments and being released from the hospital, he spoke briefly in the April General Conference of the Church. His rehabilitation and continued therapy progressed positively through the spring and summer months, but Elder Maxwell’s physical strength and stamina were nonetheless limited when he traveled to Rexburg. After greeting Elder and Sister Maxwell at the airport, Susan and I (Elder David Bednar) drove them to our home for rest and a light lunch before the devotional.During the course of our conversations that day, I asked Elder Maxwell what lessons he had learned through his illness. I will remember always the precise and penetrating answer he gave. '"Dave," he said, 'I have learned that not shrinking is more important than surviving." 

His response to my inquiry was a principle with which he had gained extensive personal experience during his chemotherapy. As Elder Maxwell and his wife were driving to the hospital in January of 1997, on the day he was scheduled to begin his first round of treatment, they pulled into the parking lot and paused for a private moment together. Elder Maxwell "breathed a deep sigh and looked at [his wife]. He reached for her hand and said … , ‘I just don’t want to shrink’” (Bruce C. Hafen, A Disciple’s Life: The Biography of Neal A. Maxwell [2002], 16).In his October 1997 General Conference message, entitled “Apply the Atoning Blood of Christ,” Elder Maxwell taught with great authenticity: “As we confront our own … trials and tribulations, we too can plead with the Father, just as Jesus did, that we ‘might not … shrink’—meaning to retreat or to recoil (D&C 19:18). Not shrinking is much more important than surviving! Moreover, partaking of a bitter cup without becoming bitter is likewise part of the emulation of Jesus” (Ensign, Nov. 1997, 22). 

Elder Maxwell’s answer to my question caused me to reflect on the teachings of Elder Orson F. Whitney, who also served as a member of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles: “No pain that we suffer, no trial that we experience is wasted. It ministers to our education, to the development of such qualities as patience, faith, fortitude and humility. All that we suffer and all that we endure, especially when we endure patiently, builds up our characters, purifies our hearts, expands our souls, and makes us more tender and charitable, more worthy to be called the children of God … and it is through sorrow and suffering, toil and tribulation, that we gain the education that we come here to acquire” (quoted in Spencer W. Kimball,Faith Precedes the Miracle [1972], 98)."

Elder Bednar also points out that we do not know the meaning of all things, but we must learn to say "Not My Will but Thine Be Done". To continue to quote Elder Bednar:

"We recognized a principle that applies to every devoted disciple: strong faith in the Savior is submissively accepting of His will and timing in our lives—even if the outcome is not what we hoped for or wanted. Certainly,. But more importantly, they would be “willing to submit to all things which the Lord seeth fit to inflict upon [them], even as a child doth submit to his father” (Mosiah 3:19). Indeed, they would be willing to “offer [their] whole souls as an offering unto him” (Omni 1:26) and humbly pray, “Father, if thou be willing, remove this cup from me: nevertheless not my will, but thine, be done” (Luke 22:42)."

I want to grow in His will for me and find joy and closeness to Him through this process.  I want this experience be make me a bettter, mom, wife, sister, daughter, friend and servant to those around me.