Postponed....twice

I was in the hospital until Saturday when they released me even though I wasn't really feeling that great.  But I really wanted to go home to get Easter together for the kids, enjoy a little bit of their spring break, and organize a few thing in my house.
  

I know, it sounds stupid. 

It probable was, but it hard to be away so much when I was thinking about having a mastectomy that next week. 

In the past four months, I've been in this hospital 29 days, that's a month.  I love these people here at the hospital but I was all done being there.

Easter was great!  But I WAY over did working on the house and hiding Easter eggs, so on the evening of Easter Sunday I started to get sick again.  My sweet husband had to listen to me all night, up and down from the bathroom, moaning and groaning my pains. 

He repeatedly asked me, “Do you need to go to the hospital?”

Naively I would respond, “No, it’s going to pass.”
   

Finally at 4:00 am, (less than 48 hours after leaving the hospital) I let him take me back to the hospital.

He must have been ready because within 5 minutes, he had the kids in the car, my bag packed and we were on our way to the hospital.  He dropped me off in the ER then took the kids home and back to bed until he could get them off to school.   He's a good man!

Same drill at the hospital, drug me up to relieve pain and stop the vomiting, then put an NG tube down my nose.  Check my blood to let me know I have low potassium and a low white count.

This time to increase the fun, they filled my stomach and intestines up with barium contrast through the NG tube. Then x rayed me every hours to watch the contract dye go through my body.  For the first 6 hours it stayed in my stomach and didn't go far, then after I got up and walked around a bit, it went the rest of the way through.  This test showed them that I don’t have another blockage but I do still have an illus.    

This is Monday now and I was also doing my preops for my mastectomy the next day. 

Tuesday morning they rolled me down and started to prepare me for surgery.  Unfortunately, they had to cancel my surgery, because my white blood cell count was way too low.  My was 1.6 and the normal is 4 something.  Tears!

They rescheduled for the following Tuesday and readmitted me into the oncology wing of the hospital.

Let's just say Monday through Thursday was not pretty.  But I'll write about that later.

On Thursday, Dr. Moore, my oncologist contacted the makers of Herceptin to discuss my situation.  They explained to him that there is a 2% chance of women who are on long term Herceptin to develop “illus and struggle with low white blood cell counts”.  That’s my luck!  

Therefore, they can not operate on me for another three to four weeks!  Surgery postponed again.

More tears… a lot more tears! 

I understand though the need to postpone.  Your white blood cells are what make you heal particularly your skin.  And anastasiya shows down the bowels and that the last thing I need right now. 

So for now,  no exact date on my surgery but it will probable be the end of May.  And no more herceptin for me until after the surgery then they’ll try smaller doses.

They let me come home from the hospital on Friday, but I've been pretty much in bed the whole time.

Thanks HEAVENS for my mom.  She's an angel!   She here taking care of the kids, the house, and me.  

Thanks you for all for your card, texts, messages, phone calls, thoughts, and prayers.  It's not easy but well make through.  

Here we go again...

The first two weeks of April were really busy with a lot doctor’s appointments, kiddo activities, church stuff and just general get the home back into order, all of which makes for busy time for me arranging babysitting and carpools for the kids.

When we heard that Keith’s Aunt Pat passed away, we both knew he needed to go home for the funeral, which would leave me home with full time charge of kids and home.  I guess I wasn't up for the that much reality of my own life because the next week days didn't go well without Keith.
  

I had my second dose of Herceptin on Thursday while Keith was gone which didn't go as well as the first.  That night I became nausea with the weird after taste in my mouth and diarrhea.  By Saturday afternoon at the baseball field, I hit the wall, between the heat, chasing the kids, and my sickness, I started vomiting at the park, barely made it home in the car with the kids, and lost it on my sofa at home while the kids ran wild. 

Thankfully Garrett feed and got everyone to bed for me.  I love that boy.  He has really stepped up for the family during this time. 

I continued to be sick but was okay to just lie low at home, until Tuesday afternoon (the week before I was supposed to have my surgery) everything went downhill fast.   I started throwing up, and became dizzy, but the thing that took me over the edge was the severe abdominal pains. It’s like pregnancy pains but constant without any break.   It became difficult for me to breathe through the pain, so I started to hyperventilate. Soon between dehydration, low potassium, and hyperventilating, my muscles started to tease up.  My fingers, arms and legs contort and stiffen up until I can’t relax them.  Let’s just say it hurts.

Around seven Keith called 911 for a nice little ride in a chair down my stairs and a quick ride to the hospital for some relief.  This time the x-ray and ct scan showed a blockage in my small intestines.   So another NG tube down my nose and put me on the delicious liquid diet.  

In like a Lion & out like a Lamb

Here's a little catch up on the events of March.

I actually went back into the hospital again at the beginning of March for the same old stuff, abdominal pains, and vomiting that lead to passing out, and muscle stiffness from low potassium and oxygen.

They treat me with the same things every time.

Heavy IV drugs for nausea and pain, then they hook me up with some potassium and magnesium IVs and a heart monitor.  

Next comes the ever so painful NG tube down my nose to remove any and everything from my stomach, and then they put me on a liquid diet for a few days.  

Which you would think, at least I'd lose some weight through this process? Right!    

No, wrong!  Those IVs they pump into me are like Gatorade or I guess I'm hearty girl and like to retain my weight.

Anyways...

For the rest of March I felt good, not great, but good enough that I never found time to set down to blog.

Thanks to a good friend, Lindsey Olsen, Keith and I had a little get away into DC, which we both really need to reconnect and have fun again.

My friend, Denice organized a little birthday lunch with some good friends, which was great to feel normal and be with people that make me laugh.

I had some time to organize, rearrange and clean out the corners of my house.  Not that it helped or lasted long, but it gave me some peace of mind.

Basically was nice to just be the mom again.  I miss being able to be up and helping out with the kids and house.  I really miss being outside working in the my yard and watching my kids play.

Because my breast cancer is Her2 positive, I have to do a maintenance chemo of Herceptin every three weeks for a year.  In the middle of March I did my first one.   I had a little nausea and funny taste in my mouth but nothing compared to the previous doses with the other chemo drugs.

Here's some pictures that my ever so talented little sister Kristal Mulder took while she was out visiting in January.  I'll post more later when I learn how to down load them.  Thanks Kristal!  We love them

Out with a bang!

Had to go out with a bang!

I was nausea the week after chemo but the medicines helped to keep that under control or should I say I wasn't throwing up.  The medicine also made me sleep a lot but that was okay too.

My poor cousin, Sherida didn't have it so easy.  The kids were stuck inside all weekend with cold weather, then Monday, we got hit with a March snowstorm, so not only were the kids inside during the weekend, but for another two snow days.  And make matters more difficult, we are in the middle of finishing our basement, so Sherida couldn't even send them downstairs to get away from them.  Bless her heart! We were sad to see her go home on Thursday.

I don't know if I did too much or just dumb luck, but that night after Sherida left, I started throwing up and couldn't stop.  Friday I went into the cancer center to get hydration, and a little stronger medication for the nausea, but the doctor decided that I also needed to make a little trip to the hospital for an X-ray and observation.

I'm not going to lie, I cried!  The idea of going back to the hospital, tubes up my nose, liquid diet, IVs, and Keith and the kids arranging care for the weekend, just took me to the edge.  

As with everything on this journey, I have to learn to let go.

So I spent the weekend in the hospital letting my ilious heal, which is a fancy term for my intestines.  The good news is that I didn't have to have a tube put down my nose because I hadn't eaten in 24 hours and I healed quickly.

Sunday they released me to come home.  I'm still a little nausea, and my stomach/intestines are far from working properly but I'll survive.  The doctor said it takes three weeks to get the majority of the chemo out of your system so I'm half way there.    

My mastectomy is scheduled for April 22nd.  It's a great time for us because it gives me 7 weeks after chemo to recover, it's the day after my kids go back to school after spring break, and 7 weeks for me to recover after the surgery before the kids are out of school for summer.

Charity is more than just doing, it's caring.

I have already post how much I love and appreciate EMTs

I love my doctors!  I am confident they are the doctors for me.  I have complete trust and appreciation for the sacrifices they make to be educated and knowledgeable about my personal case.

But the majority of my aid through this journey has comes from the nurses, whether at the doctors appointment, chemo treatment, or in the hospital.  They are the smiling angels running about non stop attend to our needs. I know its just a profession, but most nurses make it much more.   Most nurses are always happy, honestly concerns about you, and wanting to help you find relief.

One such nurse that has particular stood out to me, is my chemo nurse, Kathy.  From the first day of treatment, when I came in scared to death, she called me "Honey" and gave me a big long hug to calm me down and reassure me everything is going to be okay.  She asked me about all me children and family.  But what makes her so different to me is she remembers from treatment to treatment the details of my life and truly cares three weeks later how I'm doing and what's new with my kids.  As a nurse, she doesn't have to do that.  As I sit her watch her run from beeping IV stand to IV stand, helping each patient, she shows that same concern and personal care to each and every person.

Through watching her I have come to a broader understanding of charity.  I'm really good about running about serving others, a little bit because its ingrained into by my church  and a little bit for self gratification of serving others.  Sad, but true!  Bring meals, cleaning a house, giving a ride, watching kids, or any other serve project you throw at me, it no problem.

But Kathy has showed me that charity is much more.  She runs around busily doing for each of us, but will stop at any moment to talk to a patient, to give a hug and tell them she loves them and hear their story. Charity is more than an act of kindness.  It's a personal investment of caring, knowing and wanting the best for that person, who ever they are family or stranger.  I need to start by practising this with my own family and kids.

My second favorite thing about Kathy is she's not afraid to talk about God.  Many of the patients often talk about the churches and ministries sermons.  Kathy joins right in to testify of her faith in the Savior.

At one of my treatments, Kathy was telling about taking her young grandson that she took to mass at Holy Trinity.  I guess on the way up to take the sacrament, her grandson did something silly, and her first thought was to correct him. But then she had to laugh and take in the moment.  I remember thinking, Kathy knows that she was in the right place, doing the right thing, with the right little person.

Four weeks ago, at my second to the oldest child and oldest daughters baptism, my four year, Alina was having a hard time being quiet and holding still.  Four kids were baptized and then we all came back to the chapel to give them a blessing and confirm the Holy Ghost.  Half way through the first boys blessing, Alina really started to lose it.  So my dear friend, Rachel told her, "Alina you just have to hold still until Kendall gets the Holy Ghost."

Alina immediately stands up and turn around to look over the congregation.  Then she yells out, "I don't see the Holy Ghost.  Where is he?  How is Kendall going to get him?  Can you see him?  What color is he?"  And on and on she went, non stop talking in her loud high voice.

During Kendall's blessing she came over to ask me all the same question.  I tried to whisper back answers, but they were not sufficient for her curiousity.

Finally after wrestling my two, almost three year old on one knee and Alina the chatter box on the other knee, I had, had it.  I scoobed up those two and marched them out of the chapel and back to the kitchen for a snack and a time out for all three of us.  I pulled my wig off and threw my head in the refrigerator to cool off.  (One of four times I wear my wig, and I feel like I'm going through menopause.)

Once again my sweet friend, Rachel came to my rescue and watched the two so I could go back in and enjoy the rest of the service.  As I sat in the back looking around at dear friends that have become family, and listen to the gospel of Jesus Christ being taught to me, my family, and close friends.  I thought about Kathy's story.  I'm in the right place, doing the right thing, with the right people.  We are not perfect.  Far from it.  But we are on the right path to find happiness and joy in this life and the next.  Surrounding myself with people like Kathy, I know help me along the way.  She is a true blessing in my life, and not just because she's my nurse, she so much more.

Sidenote about Alina
The next morning after the baptism, it happened that it was just her and I around the table in the wee hours.  As we started to enjoy our bowl of pink shredded wheat.
Alina, who as Keith says is always suspended in conversation from night to the next day, chimes in, "Mom did you get the Holy Ghost when you were baptized?"

Trying to keep in conversation short and quiet due to morning exhaustion, I respond, "Yes"

Alina quickly asks back, "What did it feel like?"

Me, "It's a good feeling inside your body."

Silence while we both eat a little cereal, then Alina asks, "So is my cereal the Holy Ghost, because it makes me feel good inside?"

Sigh!  Okay you can do better mom.

Me, "Alina the Holy Ghost is the spirit without a body, that Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ send to each of us when we ask for it or are in need.  We also feel the Holy Ghost when we make good choices and help others. It a conformation that you are loved by them and they are aware of your needs."

Silence and more cereal eaten....

Alina, "So the Holy Ghost is God!"

Me, "Right,"
End of this long, and important conversation.
I love my spicy Alina! 

Best Friends Through the Years

Last night, as I struggled to get my mind off the last chemo, I sat down on my bed with five totes of laundry and started watching a movie called "Big Fish" at 10:00 p.m.  At first I thought it was the cheesiest movie, but then it hooked me, and I had to finish.

Keith came in to bed at 12:00 to find me crying like a baby.  I cry a lot lately.  I turning into a big boob! (Get it a "BIG boob!" Or at least a medium size boob.)

Then over the next two hours, I layed in bed thinking about this movie and my life. This movie was about a man, who hyperbolized stories of meeting and making friends in his life. As his death, his son realized that his father really did live a great life with amazing friends.   But the point I took was that as he befriended and helped someone through his life, they helped him back in the end. Friends come and go, but they stay friends forever.   Between this movie and a note I received from a old friends has made me start thinking about my life.

I was blessed to grow up in a small town in Norther Arizona, Joseph City.  As I think back on teachers, friends, neighbors, my parents, and sisters, I couldn't have asked for a better environment to learn, enjoy and grow into an adult.
One my greatest influences, in my youth was my best friend, Jenny Burt (Collins).  Jenny is my oldest and most consistent friend of my life. As I remember, Jenny and I were in the same classroom all through grade school and most of our High school classes were the same.
Then after high school, we went our separate ways, she met and married a great guy and started a family and I jumped from school to mission to school to being a working single girl.  In the beginning we'd talk and get together a couple times a year but then life gets busy and we'd only get to meet for dinner once a year.
But thats okay! I never felt any less close, or loved, or understood no matter how much time had past.  We're friends that carry for on another. Our lives could not been any more different, when I was getting married at the age of 31, Jenny was having her 9th and last baby.  Time and distance still has not changed our friendship.  How blessed with friendship.

I also thought of best friends that I have made and needed through my life experiences.
Childhood friends that helped me get into a little trouble, take long drives, cruise the streets of Holbrook (which I don't know why) and long talks and happy memories.

During my college, mission and single working girl years, I made amazing friends to travel with, go to dinner, cry over boyfriend break ups and giggle over new crushes.  Dinner and movies, long talks, shopping, serving together, and working together.  Thank heavens for facebook, cell phones, and texting to reconnects.  Few things bring me greater joy then to see an old friends, children on saying or doing great things.  Its a small way to stay connected and caring for one and other.

And now that I'm a mother/wife living far away from family, I have made friends that helped me laugh and make a good joke about the long crazy days of motherhood.  We have friends who have become family because ours is too far away.  The unconditional support through this trial has even made me more grateful for friends.  Friends that drop everything and change daily plans to come watch my children, give me a ride to appointment, even when the appointment ends up in emergency room trip late into the night.  (Sorry Tina and Kristal)  Friends that say its no problem to take 5 extra kids to all their activities and church functions, when by definition any more children under age 10, is a problem.  Thanks you!

I have been blessed with fantastic friends old and new...near and far.  They have molded and improved my life for the best.  I hope in some way I have helped them along the way.

I'm particular excited about my cousin Sherida coming tonight to help with this last chemo.  There was about 4 years that I spent everyday with Sherida, my Aunt Claudette, and Stephanie. I'm pretty sure I was the 8 child, they never wanted.   I miss laughing around Uncle John and Aunt Claudette's kitchen table, discussing politics, funny events of the day, teasing one another, and discussing gospel topics.  My heart hurts missing Claudette and Stephanie, with reassurance that we will be together again one day.